Trackspin: Jason Mraz - The Remedy.

Song reminds of me BB last year. I miss the practices, the music and the company. The changes since have been irreversible and I'm to blame for what has happened so far.

I'm just back from field camp and I've decided to once again start posting here since I've locked down my second EJ as well. I'm contemplating on shifting everything and deleting every single other journal/blog I have, to rid myself of memories and to try to halt the train of thoughts that accompany whenever I happen to think of my past.

Field camp was not as bad as some people might say, but it was torturous in other ways. It was dreadful that we pitched our bashas only to have a CAT1 storm and some bashas were actually downed by the heavy downpour and the soft soil after that. First two days were bearable, with IFC trainings and our comms brought us to some scenic location to train and have breakfast at. Felt good up there, just shouting and hearing our voices echo out below us, as well as watching other comms behave like kids. I think that was the highlight of camp for me, somewhat.

We wound up digging our scrapes after shifting and I must say, digging's a bitch, especially with a whole load on your back. More training followed by tests and sleepless nights and I found myself injured and back in camp. Time didn't seem to pass quite this slowly ever before, but it's always the case that when you look back at it, time passed rather quickly in it's own right.

Now that I'm back, I'm limping due to a gash on my left knee, bruised kneecaps and elbows and a strained back.

Apart from the physical, comes the emotional and mental toil endured. Being back from camp hasn't helped wonders in any way, though I was expecting to be happier, because of the dreadful conditions out there. I just don't understand so much that's going on in the minds of others around me. Sad to say, this has affected me quite a lot and I pretty much nearly lost it in camp yesterday due to some fucktard.

I seem to be losing myself, my humanity and emotions in this rollercoaster ride through NS and weekend civilian/NSF life. Does it seem that way to anybody else? Anybody believes or feels that I've changed since I've enlisted till now?

I've withdrawn my applications from both the Army and the Navy, despite being one of the few who got short-listed, 9 for Army, 7 for Navy. Perhaps it was the wrong thing to do, but it's too late for regrets now. I'll just have to make do and work with what I have in my life, that's going right for me now, though that would be rather challenging, due to the lack of anything going right at all.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere now. Home seems foreign, church, prayer and religion seems so out-of-reach and distant, my friends are either with me in there or out of contact usually too. Perhaps I'll be able to do something with my life that's a little productive in this time. I feel like I'm losing my faith in a lot of things, one of them being myself.

Sorry this post is rather cryptic, I'd rather not expose too much information on camp, my life as it is now, or any other stuff. Please bear with me, dear readers. I know not who still reads this but I believe that perhaps, one day I'll be back to who I used to be.